The guilt you didn't choose

I was talking with a good friend of mine recently about something that’s often hard to put into words.

Guilt.

Not the legal kind where you’ve done something objectively wrong and have to face consequences.

But the more subtle, more emotional type of guilt.

That nagging feeling of shame, discomfort or self-judgment when you go against an unspoken obligation.

What’s crazy is that most of those obligations are often entirely subjective.

Most of them have been conditioned into you from your childhood by your parents, religion, school, etc.

Even as an adult, society is constantly telling you what you should want, how you should act and who you should be.

As you grow and get to know yourself better, you start to reach a point where your wants no longer match the rules you were raised with.

It's here when guilt shows up and creates a split between your desires and your default programming.

This internal struggle shows up in many ways:

• You want to date casually but feel ashamed for not “committing.”
• You enjoy winding down with weed or alcohol but judge yourself for not being productive 24/7.
• You want to say no to something like an invite, a favor or a meeting but feel guilty and say yes anyway.
• You want a day off after months of grinding but instead of allowing yourself to relax you feel lazy and guilty.

These are all responses created by someone else’s values taking precedence over yours.

I’ve come to realize that becoming free is learning to recognize and unlearn these unspoken obligations.

I’d like you to ask yourself, what if you didn’t feel guilty?

What if you gave yourself full permission to want what you want?

To say no when you mean no.

To enjoy what you enjoy all without having to explain yourself.

To live your life and not the one you’ve been programmed to live.

To be honest, I’m still working on this.

I’ve certainly gotten better at it over the years but it’s a progression and not a sudden switch.

The better I’ve gotten to know myself and my values the easier it’s become to live true to myself.

I’d like to share with you some of the shifts that have helped me improve my relationship with guilt:

• Whenever guilt comes up, I ask myself: “Is this objectively wrong or am I just violating a rule I didn’t choose?”
• If I’m going to indulge in something or say no to someone, I do it consciously. I don’t hide it, I don’t lie, I own it.
• I defined what "being a good man" means to me. Not what society expects. Not what my parents expect. But that which makes me feel proud of myself when I look in the mirror.

If you’re up for a challenge, what’s one thing you’ve been guilt-tripping yourself out of lately?

This week I dare you to give yourself permission to do it.

Obviously I’m not saying to go and do something stupid or harmful, but if it’s something that’s aligned with your values but “feels wrong” because it might disappoint someone just go and do it.

Without shame and without apology, because that’s true Freedom.